Ordinary 32 C – November 10, 2019

Luke 20:27-38

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw that it was so beautiful.

Saint Peter came by; the woman said to him “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word”, Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?” the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?” “Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word”, the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked.

“Czechoslovakia.”

Very late entry this week and only a joke to offer. Life intervenes! Hoping that you day is blessed. – Laurin

Ordinary 27 C – October 6, 2019

Luke 17:5-10, Psalm 137

If you had faith the size of a mustard seed…It begins so nicely, we smile and begin to imagine a great sermon that just rolls off our fingers to the screen in front of us. If we could just stop right there.

So what reassuring word do we find in our Psalm? Happy shall they be who take your little ones and dash them against the rock!

Here is a new word to describe this week in lectionary. The word is paraprosdokian

  • War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
  • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Life is often paradrosdokian. I got some really good, really late, advice recently. If you have some things that you really need to get done, do them when you have time: before your retire!

And something longer, if you need it:

Moshe was nearing death. He was extremely old, and he had seen much suffering during his days. Golda, his wife, sat on the edge of his bed and wiped his forehead. They had been married for more than 70 years. Moshe looked at his wife and said, “Golda, do you remember the horrible pogrom/the devastation in our village in 1905?” She replied, “Of course I do. I was right there with you.” “Do you remember when the Communists beat me up in 1918? Were you with me then?” Golda answered, “Certainly I was with you.” “Were you with me in the Lemberg ghetto?” “Yes, dear, I have always been with you.” Moshe lay silently for a few moments and then looked at his wife and said, “Boy, Golda, you’ve been bad luck for me.”

Have a great week, sincerely, no punch line! – Laurin

Ordinary 25 C – September 22, 2019

Luke 16:1-13

Chester and Lester opened a butcher shop and prospered. Then an evangelist came to town, and Chester’s wife persuaded him to go, and he was saved. He tried to persuade his partner to accept salvation also, but to no avail. “Why won’t you, Lester?” asked the born-again fellow.

“Listen, Chester,” the other butcher said. “If I get religion, too, who’s going to weigh the meat?”

This is a hard one! The passage seems to praise dishonesty, and worse. If you do your own translation, Jesus seems to praise dishonesty. Or did you translate o kurios as his master?

And how do you connect the change at the end, and where does the change begin?

I have played with this as an example of Jesus making a joke of the situation. Yes, sarcasm. I change my voice in verse 8. This may not work for you, and I am not sure that it worked for my congregation, but it begins to make sense.

A rancher asked a veterinarian for some free advice. “I have a horse,” he said, “that walks normally sometimes and limps sometimes. What shall I do?” The veterinarian replied, “The next time he walks normally, sell him.”

Have a great week – Laurin

Ordinary 24 C – September 15, 2019

Luke 15:1-10

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.  He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper, “Hello?”

Feeling a bit put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, “Is your daddy home?”

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

 “May I talk with him?” the man asked.

 To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

 Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”

 “Yes,” came the answer.

 “May I talk with her?”

 Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

 Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

 “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

 “Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

 Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

 “No, he is busy,” whispered the child.

 “Busy doing what?” asked the boss.

 “Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.

 Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like ahelicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,  What is that noise?”

 “A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.

 “What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.

 In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!”

 Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the bossasked, “The search team?! Why are they there?”

 Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They are looking for me!”

Every museum and school has one. The nursery school down the hall in the church I served had one.  It is a “lost and found box.” The child doesn’t know something is lost until the next time it rains.

At our house, we have something different, a sock basket.

The odd thing about the sock basket is that it does not represent socks that are lost, but rather socks who are incomplete without their mates.

I always liked the readings for this week: two short parables that precede the parable about the man who had two lost sons. To my mind that serve as a powerful corrective against making a big deal over the returnung son’s repentance. Or we can define repentance as “going home,” which I like.

I end with a “mother-in-law” j0ke. Feel free to change the roles, if you want to use it.

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you!!

Have a great week. – Laurin

Ordinary 23 C – September 8, 2019

Luke 14:23-35

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Edna, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Edna replied, “Well, I was going to say something when Fred fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

Our reading is quite clever. Jesus goes from saying to hate your family to giving financial advice, sort of worst-case, best – case. What seems like a guide to calculating the cost of holding on becomes guidance to let go of it all.

This is a great week t0 use humor to help us reflect on what we hold dearer that we hold onto Jesus. I guess. The Philemon passage fits nicely and has the rare advantage of allowing the preacher to preach from an entire chapter without missing lunch.

 

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “To the kitchen.”

She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” He replies, “Sure.”

She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” He says, “No, I can remember that.”

She then says, “Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that.”

He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replies, “Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.” With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “You forgot my toast.”

In our lesson from Luke Jesus is talking about counting the costs of discipleship. If you cannot:

  1. Hate your mother and father, you cannot be my disciple.
  2. Take up the cross and follow me, you cannot ne my disciple.
  3. Give away all of your possessions, you cannot be my disciple.

It sounds like the ideal disciple is the teenage girl who has been told she has been grounded, lost her allowance,  and cannot go to the big dance. But just try to take away her cell phone.

For all of the snake pits of the world that entice us with good things before revealing their horrors, Jesus puts it right out there: Following me will not be easy. Preaching this text may not be either.

You can take the trip, but you have to leave your baggage behind.

Have a great week – Laurin

Ordinary 21 C – August 25, 2019

Luke 13:10-17

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”
“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”
“I know,” said the doctor, “I can cure pneumonia.”

Yes, this is very similar to the joke about the mathematician applying for a job as a fireman. And there is something strikingly familiar about the text today. Jesus is the Good Samaritan. The religious folk do not simply ignore the man in the ditch, they forbid her healing. This reading does not simply invite us to consider who our neighbor is, but who we are, and it raises the stakes on good, praying, church going folks who believe that that piety is sufficient.

This is not an easy message to hear, and we must be careful. I once preached this as a monologue as delivered by Andy Griffith. If you know Andy well, you may not be reading this for the purpose of finding humor and thought for you Sunday preparations. Andy is from my childhood. An excerpt:

Anybody like Andy Griffith. Best television show ever.

Floyd, you won’t believe who came to church on Sunday! Sally Mae Jones Smith. We hadn’t seen her for eighteen years! Oh my gosh, she looked old. She was so stooped over … All those years of picking up socks, and magazines, and doing dishes. But there she was. Last we saw her, she was jumping up and down when the last of hers graduated.

Then the guest preacher, he just stops, right in the middle of the Joys and Concerns and he says, “Woman, you are set free from your ailment.” Sally was jumping up and down. Makes you wonder if it won’t be another eighteen years before we see her again.

Then the Pastor gets all agitated. It seems he doesn’t like anybody horning in on his turf.  He says, now look here. I sit in this office all week and don’t see a soul. I could have healed her on Monday; I could have healed her on Tuesday. I could have healed her on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. And if she had called me up and asked me to come see her, I could have healed her on Saturday, but Sunday is the Lord’s Day, or don’t you read your Bible. Sunday is the Lord’s Day. Thou shalt not work on Sunday. And healing people is work.

But I got to tell you, if healing people is work, I don’t think Pastor has worked a day in his life, because he has been here six years, and he hain’t cured nobody. So I guess he was all defensive and all. But you know. Now that I get to thinking on it, there have been a lot of folks cured of stuff. It just weren’t particularly Pastor who done it.

Well, the guest preacher, he got huffy too. He says, You Hypocrite. You Hypocrite.

Why do preachers have to use all them big words? But we all know what a hypocrite is, don’t we. It’s all of those tee-totaling Baptists having a high old time when they get over to Mt. Pilot. I don’t think Pastor took kindly to being compared to one of them. He will sit right there with you in your living room and have a beer and watch a game, just like anybody except the Baptists who have to go over to Mt. Pilot and sit in a hotel room to watch the game.

So, do you really want to tackle hypocrisy?

Miroslav Volf is quoted as saying, “There is something deeply hypocritical about praying for a problem you are unwilling to resolve.”And he is being quoted widely in connection with the gun crisis in the United States.

Andy Griffith would have pointed out that even Barney Fife carried a gun. He even carried a bullet. Of course, Barney kept his bullet in his pocket.

Have a great week. May you find and be healing. – Laurin

Ordinary 20 C – August 18, 2019

Luke 12:49-56

 

One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.

The fire chief says, “Well, you look like a good guy. I’d be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test.”

The fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, “OK, you’re walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?”

The mathematician replies, “Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire.”

The chief says, “That’s great… perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you’re walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?”

The mathematician puzzles over the question for a while and he finally says, “I light the dumpster on fire.”

The chief yells, “What? That’s horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?”

The mathematician replies, “Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I’ve already solved.” from jokelabs.com

A problem that I never solved was how to preach this text, so I usually reduced it to a problem that I had solved: division is a bad, bad thing. Hopefully, you can make sense of it. I always stressed out when I found this kind of tension in the readings.

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and in life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups – porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite – telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: “If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each other’s cups. 

Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and do not change the quality of Life. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided.”

So, don’t let the cups drive you … enjoy the coffee instead.

The subject of division did allow me to trot my favorite math joke:

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can do math, and those who can’t.

And I can see why it was time for me to retire. As I reread my old sermons, the most appealling illustration I found was original. It is also so old that almost nobody in the congregation will have a clue what TV show I am referencing:

I am reminded of the great American folk hero, Jethro Bodine. For those of you who do not know the cultural reference, Jethro is a 30-year-old, multi million, 5th grader, whose uncle Jed found oil on his property and moved the family to Beverly, Hills that is.

Jethro is taking math in school. He calls division guzinda. You know, 2 guzinda 8, 4 times, 2 guzinda 4, 2, 2 guzinda 2, 1. It is they way the church seems to interpret Luke 12. This question guzinda the church 8, that question guzinda the church 4, the next question guzinda the church 2. Before you know it. Nobody guzinda the church. The thing is: the questions that divide us are the cups, not the coffee. We are here for Jesus.

Hope that you have a great week, and enjoy the coffee – Laurin

Ordinary 16C – July 21, 2019

Luke 10:38-42, Amos 12

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.”But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited afew minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted,“Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?”This time, a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m putting my shoes on!”

When I read Luke continuously, I suspect that Martha and Mary follow the Good Samaritan for a reason. Love God with all your heart soul and mind, and your neighbor as yourself. Easy enough to preach the Good Samaritan and neighbor identification.  In effect, be a Martha. Yet many of the folks in the pews might identify themselves with the good church people who bypass the man in the ditch, and they also identify with Mary. Be a Mary. You can preach love of neighbor and love of God with integrity, but it is hard to do it in the same sermon or even back to back. Good luck with this. If it has you worried, imagining how my listeners will hear it worried me. Maybe worry is a point. Not to worry, do.

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. “I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.” “Excuse me?” the young accountant said, “I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.” “I see,” the young accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?” “I will start you at $95,000.” “Ninety-five thousand dollars!” the young accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?” “That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

I once preached the Amos text and ended by taking a bite out of a juicy peach, a summer fruit perfectly in season. A story that holds up only with superficial fact-checking:

The great Southern rock band of my college days was the Allman Brothers Band. They were at their zenith when their amazing guitar player Duane Allman went for a ride on his motor cycle. Duane was struck and killed by a peach truck. A year later, the bass player Berry Oakley was struck and killed by a peach truck while riding his motor cycle. The next album the band produced was entitled, Eat a Peach.

Have a great week. – Laurin